A Whiner

Well, I guess I'm still not very good at posting regularly - some things never change.

This has been a really, really long two weeks, lots of ups and downs. Last week I had three, THREE, job interviews - two for jobs I would've been happy to take, and one I would have said no to. And yet I haven't heard back about any of them. I feel like such a loser right now, and I don't know how to fix myself. I definitely know that my weakness is my interview - my resume and letter are great, and I know I'm smart enough to do the jobs I'm applying to. But I have a knack for saying the wrong thing in interviews, and no matter how hard I try to keep those voices squelched, the ones that are prodding me to say ridiculous things or make corny jokes, they seem to come right on out anyway and mar me. I'm going next week for a mock interview at school, maybe that'll set me straight.

In the meantime, I just sit here at the window, or on the couch, watching TV and surfing the net for jobs and stupid amusements like cats playing keyboards and balloon boy media frenzies. I know I should get out more, but what can I afford, really? I go to the gym sometimes, I go for coffee sometimes, but that's not enough to fill full days, day after day. And the weather is shitty so there's no point in suggesting I go for walks - not interested at the moment. The gray skies are definitely affecting my mood, too.

If anybody has read this far into this post, I'm impressed with your stamina... hopefully the next post will have some positive news.

the new way.

Today has been a special sort of day, even though I woke up regretting my promises to leave the house. Usually, I fear afternoons in public these days, away from my computer and emails and pantslessness and Bea and Betty and the gals. I'm definitely an introvert at heart, and any friends I've made outside of my own home are damn lucky to see me at all. Especially lately, since being unemployed.

Anyway, today. I woke up feeling antsy and full of ideas about how I should use my time. Instead of choosing one cooking project to work on, I decided to take on four at once. So today, I have made homemade English muffins, chicken broth, yogurt, and granola bars. I'd pat my own back, except for the fact that the muffins turned out like little pucks, the broth is unexciting, the yogurt won't be done until tomorrow, and granola bars... okay, I get a pat for those. They're pretty good.

But aside from these triumphs, I DID also leave the house, remember. I went into Manhattan to have lunch with Amber before she goes off to Europe for a whirlwind work tour, and was treated to homemade shrimp and corn soup which was so good, and a slice of her decadent apple cake. That girl is amazing in the kitchen, I bow down! After seeing her, I wandered through the green market to pick up some yellow dahlias, and then went over to the hospital on 1st Avenue to meet a baby.

Kara and Frank and little kiddo Xavier have only been a family for two days - the kid is TWO DAYS old! And they trusted me to hold him! Once he got used to being in the arms of an awkward baby-moron, he couldn't take his eyes off my rack. I liked him immediately. I honestly can't remember holding a baby that new since my cousin Emily was born 19 years ago. I think given the number of 30-something settled-down ladies I know, I should get used to them pretty quick.

To top off this day, I am enjoying looking out on a really gorgeous Autumn sky over Brooklyn, and relishing the fact that I skipped the gym. I deserve to skip the gym. I always skip the gym, and I always deserve it.

I can't complain too much about my joblessness - this is a pretty decent way to live, in the moment. Mmm, that broth does smell nice.

Argh, I say.

Do you ever have a moment where you kind of pause, take a deep breath, and realize that the reason you're all bunched up and tense and easily annoyed is that you're fucking stressed?

This moment happened to me today. And because I have my very own blog upon which to spew my heartmost thoughts, y'all gonna get some now.

Okay, first off? The Hasidic guy who hit my car? HAS NOT PAID THE GARAGE YET. So the garage is HOLDING MY CAR HOSTAGE. Apologies for the CAPS but hello, it's been almost two weeks, yeah? And I have probably been the most understanding and the least willing to get shitty with this guy of anyone I've told the story to, because I know he's got the Jewish holidays going on (which one, I couldn't say) and also there was some business about his nephew being in the hospital. But. The garage owner told me that "these guys" come in with pay-up-front accidents all the time because they don't want to put the accidents on their insurance. He told me that they treat women "like nothing" and that I need to be tough and threaten him with the cops and all of this stuff that is just not my style. I don't know what it would take for me to get indignant and in-yo-face with someone who legitimately hit my car. Maybe if he was an in-my-face jerk to me I would be, but he's just been kind of quiet and slow to act. He even sent me an email just now explaining their holidays a little more, "just so u know". This situation is weird.

But I still don't have my fucking car. So. Tomorrow? Let's fucking hope so.

On top of which, I have 3 group projects, each including a paper and a powerpoint and a presentation in front of 90 people, and a midterm on Tuesday.

On top of which, I've been super busy at work, which has actually been kind of great because I really suffer when I have nothing to do - which is generally the case.

On top of which, it's damn cold all of a sudden and I'm just not ready for fall. I don't mind the wind when I'm inside listening to it blowing the tree branches against the windows; but I was really not emotionally prepared to wear my winter coat today. And yet wear it I did.

I think that's it. This has not made me feel any less anxious. Thank god I have tomorrow off from work, that ought to help! Nothing beats a day of kitty snuggling.

some sort of luck

Late last night I got into a fender bender driving up that terrible stretch of Bedford in the Hasidic neighborhood, where small children are as likely to pop out from between two cars at 1am as they would be at noon and cars double park despite the fact that it's single-lane. No one got hurt aside from my golden chariot, and the other guy was at fault, so it could have turned out quite a bit worse.

But then just now, I noticed a bit of soot on the bathroom mirror frame that I attributed to a new candle I put in there recently and was burning for awhile this morning (it smells like clean green grass!), and when I went to clean it off I discovered a serious burn mark underneath the mirror—like a blistered black mark. So I have to wonder: am I unlucky, or am I lucky? Or should I even bother to wonder, since luck is a creation of the mind?

I have another confession. I've been buying lottery scratch-off cards for the last week. I decided I was going to buy one a day for thirty days, just to see what happens. I figured if I win big, I get a pocket full of money, and if I don't win at all, I'm only out $30. So far I'm down $5. But today instead of one card, I treated myself to three - and I won $4! So if I believe in luck, I guess this means mine is good today. I've cheated death twice (if you stretch your imagination) and while I'm sort of a loser for playing the lottery in the first place, I did win something. So... yeah. Please stop me if you see me fiending for lotto cards after November 4th. Yes that's right, November 4th. Though I don't think we need luck to win the election, just vigilance.

Hello, old blog

I have a new blog now. It's all about shopping. I figure in this economy, what's life without a little fantasy? If you want the link, just ask me, I'll oblige!

 

What else, what else have I been doing... well, how about I make a list?

 

- I am sort of back in school! I say sort of because I have been selectively participating. Going to class? Yep. Reading everything for class? Nope. Pretending I read everything for class during group discussions? Yep. It'll all come out in the wash.

 

- I have deicded I do NOT want to be a foreign student advisor. All their work revolves around visas and being bulldogs for the government. I have been thinking this way for awhile now but wasn't sure I wanted to say it out loud, since I've been telling people that this is my goal. But having had the chance to see what it's like has shown me that it isn't going to be something I'm great at, at least not in the capacity that I've observed.

 

- I do have an idea about my future career, if there is a place for me... I think I want to help immigrants prepare themselves for professional jobs. I've found a place that does this and am going to begin volunteering there soon, so I can get a better look at that possibility. I think it sounds like my cup of tea - god knows I've done enough job searching on my own, and I also love helping friends with the same, to a ridiculous degree. And it's working to help people, and it's copy editing, and it's relevant to my education... so, we'll see!

 

- I have to wear a stunningly unflattering bridesmaid dress this weekend. Upside: I get to go to Boston, a place I've never been, and see my dear friend get married to a totally awesome guy that she met under very magical circumstances. So I think I will likely forget about the dress once I'm in the moment.

 

- My 401(k) is shrinking rapidly. I'm not sure what to do.

 

That is all.

Desperate.

I'm at the end of my fucking rope now... in my last pay period, I didn't get my final paycheck from my nonprofit job. Today I checked my online statement and saw that I got my check from them, but did NOT get paid by my current job! And to top it off, J got his loan disbursement three weeks ago, but I haven't gotten mine yet, and I'm just digging digging digging myself into a big, nasty, ugly hole! I don't know what I did to get here, but I am really really upset... I work hard every week and I don't need this shit, I need to EAT and pay RENT and pay back the thousand-plus that I already owe J. I cannot live like this!

Six seats

I had been sitting on the bench for a few minutes and had just pulled out a scrap of paper to write up a to-do list for myself, which is what I always do when stuck with no reading material on a subway platform, when a guy with a guitar case came whistling up to the bench and sat down four seats over. He immediately got to the business of unzipping the case and began strumming his electric guitar, creating a tinny, unenthusiastic sound that was completely unavoidable and totally irritating. Great, I thought. Train, come, now.

After a few minutes, a young couple of about twenty sat down to my left, between the guitar hero and me. The guy was obviously in the doghouse for something because she was giving him a hell of a cold shoulder - or possibly she recognized that he was an idiot and was calculating the easiest way to break it off. "Goin' to da Met... Goin' to da Met..." he sang, while the guitarist continued honing his craft down the bench. The boyfriend continued trying to get his girl to talk to him, with no luck. He sat turned in his seat, staring directly into her face while she stared straight ahead. "Do you think I can return that watch to Macy's?" No response. "Dang, I'm so hot!" No response. "It's so hot today. And it was your idea to go to the Met!" to which she finally barked, "MY idea?!". Obviously she hadn't really wanted to do ANYTHING with this guy, and how she came to say yes to this trip was unclear. At that point, two guys wearing fedoras and sunglasses (underground, mind you) walked by. "Fuckin' hipsters," said the boyfriend, in an effort to change the subject. It was at that point I decided I hated the guy.

Meanwhile to my right, two other fucking hipsters had appeared. There being only one seat open, the girl hipster asked to sit her "bony ass" on the boy hipster's lap, which he was all too happy to allow. They popped open a CD case and she ran her finger down the track list. The guy said offhandedly, "We're going to rename that one. 'The hills go up and down'." She giggled and said she liked it. They had obviously just met, practically moments ago. Judging by their level of familiarity I reckoned they had hooked up on Friday night, enjoyed each other's company and decided to spend the rest of the weekend together, and were already busy thinking of pet names for each other and imagining weekend trips to the Catskills. They were now probably heading to his or her place at the end of a heady two days of getting to know each other, perhaps to feed a forgotten cat. He claimed he had to pack up his suitcase for another road trip - implication, my band is successful. She claimed she's a master packer - implication totally unclear. They flirted over their packing experience for a few moments, stopping to suck face briefly once. She had white painted fingernails. He wore horn-rimmed glasses. They held hands. She posted prettily for him. "Shit," she said abruptly, "I've gotta remember to take my pill when we get home. I'm like four hours late." "It's fine," he said. "Well, actually I have no idea. But it probably shouldn't matter." Nice. Then she asked, "So wait, is it Hutchinson or Hutchison? I knew this girl named Hutchinson in high school." "It's Hutchison," he said. "Oh good, I didn't like her anyway!" I sat with my pen and blank slip of paper in hand, staring across the tracks, pretending to not be taking mental notes for my blog.

Back on my left, the chatty fellow who wasn't gonna get laid that night astutely noted to his girlfriend, "Check this lady, she got one couple on one side being all iced out and on the other side a couple being all lovey dovey, she probably wants to run!" Right you were, son. But despite what seemed to be an invitation to leave, somehow I felt compelled to stay put when I saw who was coming: a woman marching down the platform toward the bench, dressed in full clown regalia.

"Nice makeup!" said the asshole, as the guitarist broke from his shitty blues jam session to take note of the situation. The clown, sitting between the two, kept her head down while digging in her bag, and said nothing. "What are you, a mad clown or something?" said the asshole, to which the clown responded with a hearty scoff before putting in her ipod ear buds. "Damn," replied the bad boyfriend. His girlfriend continued staring ahead. He shifted his attention to the one person who might have wanted some. "Hey man, you play guitar?" he said to the guitarist. "Yeah, I'm just going to practice with my band in Bushwick!" said the guitarist - implication, my band has a practice space. "Cool, cool," said the bad boyfriend.

Then he uttered the words I had been longing to hear: "Aw yeah, G train!"

We all got up.